Updated: Dec 11, 2019
Relationships and Mind Reading 1-NO-1: The Destructive Mine Field:
Why We Demand And Expect Mind Reading, And Why We Have To Stop
I’ve written before about being toxic and trying to own my behavior so that I never again consistently damage the ones I love or fall in with other toxic people.
Today I want to share one of my absolute most toxic relationship habits: the demand for mind-reading capabilities.
Reading it on a magical glowing rectangle, I know how irrational and asinine actually requiring mind reading from your loved ones sounds. But I have a whole list of reasons why I did it, and why you or your loved one might too.
I’m not proud. I'm going to be very open about why I (and others) allowed the demand for intense psychic capabilities from those who tried so hard to love me—
to literally destroy our relationship.
We “NEED” our minds read when:
1.) We feel like we’ve been ignored so much it isn’t even worth it to share.
We might want someone to know what we’re thinking, but whenever we go to actually do it, we’re reminded of how little our opinions or wants mattered...
We’ve just been discouraged and humiliated so damn much, consistently and brutally.
We honestly just don’t see a point anymore. We know what will happen: what has always happened.
So we sit there, passively shouting our buried thoughts in silent frustration or dead-eyed surrender until the embarrassing day when it finally explodes out of us.
2.) We want an assive-aggressive way to transfer our own perceived powerlessness on to someone else we can use as our doormat and emotional punching bag.
Hurt people hurt people.
When we act like someone is abnormal, lazy, rude, shameful, hurtful, bad, we start to believe our own lie about them and give ourselves a pitiful, flimsy excuse to justify the abuse in what becomes a vicious cycle that’s really just a self-sabotaging coping mechanism.
This way, we can belittle others when we feel belittled.
We can make them look stupid and inept when it’s really us who feel stupid and inept.
They try to make us happy and because we don’t truly believe we deserve it, and because we are sabotaging ourselves, we sabotage them too: we start claiming we changed our mind (the mind we never revealed) when they try to make us happy; or we start gaslighting that we made it obvious when we down-in-our-hearts know we didn’t.
We’re constantly “moving the goal posts” as they say, with no notice, so we have a reason the get angry and lash out to relieve our inner frustrations.
We hate them and we hate the whole world because we hate ourselves. We think we’ll never succeed so we can’t let them succeed.
We hate them because we know they are going to abandon us, because we abandoned ourselves. So we mindf*ck with them and hand them the knife to cut us off with because your subconscious mind will never make you a liar.
We’re so powerful we can cast our own self-fulfilling prophecy. We are so free we can choose this bondage mindset.
3.) Closely related to number 2, when someone doesn’t read our minds, we have an excuse to humiliate and let out our anger, rage, or superiority:
“It’s obvious the sensible way to do it! I shouldn’t have to spell out every little thing to you! Why are you such a bonehead?! I should have never trusted you, you always mess things up!”.
We pretend we aren’t as small as we feel if we can “get one over on” at least one other poor stooge. So we slap on a “I am superior” suit and revel in seeing how much we can dominate, hurt, and confuse.
We feel a sickening satisfaction at someone else being the inept, lost, bullied one for a change.
We know that soon, we’ll be left all alone. And that thought makes us even more savage. Why treat someone nicely when you know they won’t even stick around to loyally and dutifully wear your dunce cap forever?
4.) We sometimes feel lazy and apathetic. “Let them figure it out.”
This is also a form of superiority, but one that is less about feeling clever or CORRECT and authoritative (like number 3) or frustrated and powerless (like number 2).
It’s a bit more like number 1 (“Why bother?”) but with an extra-selfish, dismissive twist.
We can stay in a perpetual state of disapproval and dissatisfaction that reflects how we don’t work for what we truly want.
I realize now that I was particularly bad about this. I was always drained from a job that I hated with a passion, so I told myself I just didn’t have the energy to explain. The other person was smart and knew me, they should understand.
Except that, as a unique individual with perspectives and thinking patterns different from mine, that didn’t happen.
So instead of being a responsible, decent person who said, “Hmm, this is my fault. Next time I should take 1 minute and be forward with what I am thinking,” I instead played the role (quite well, I might add) of a nasty, bitter, sulking sourpuss who knew exactly how to darkly suck all the energy out of the room with the Silent Treatment From Hell (tm) because I felt “cheated”, “wronged”, “ignored”, “misunderstood”, and whatever other negative blather allowed me to keep my Passive Victim (tm) card.
Subconsciously, I felt dismissed all day at work and passed that right on when I got home by finding a way to do it to someone else by NOT EVEN BOTHERING TO TELL THEM WHAT WAS GOING ON IN MY HEAD LIKE THEY WEREN’T EVEN IMPORTANT ENOUGH FOR A 1 MINUTE EXPLANATION, and then punishing them for it.
I may not have realized my motivation, but if I had given the other person the courtesy of paying attention to them trying to explain how much I was hurting them with my unfair evasiveness, I would have been a better person much sooner and maybe without having to learn the hard way.
5.) Sometimes we forget to clearly state what we are thinking. Sometimes we just do. We get tired, or distracted, and things can happen so quickly. And the result can be frustrating, and we may be really upset.
And in that moment, we may REALLY, REALLY wish that they had read our mind.
Well, they couldn’t, and you can’t go back. This was meant for you and one day you may even laugh about it. Or maybe it will be a cautionary tale to help someone else.
Whatever the case, we have an obligation to not beat ourselves (or the other person!) up and just try to remember better next time.
Keep Calm and Carry On, right?
6.) We have no sense of self. We don’t know what we want. We’re scared that if we ask for something and we get it, it won’t be what we want after all and we’ll have no one to blame and shame but ourselves. We’d have to take responsibility for our decisions! And that’s scary.
Many times, this one is closely linked to number 1, where we have been ignored so thoroughly and so routinely for so long that we buried who we are, or we were never really allowed to develop.
We had to be what some “authority” wanted us to be, whether they made up a persona for us or we were expected to be nobody at all.
I understand you are scared. This was a big one for me too. I didn’t want to feel responsible for the oppressive silence that speaking my mind was met with, or the “I told you so”’s when I tried something for myself. It was awful!
But you have nothing to be ashamed of because you didn’t get to be the ONE magical human who never had to experience something not going the way you thought you wanted it to. Or the ONE magical human who never upset or disappointed yourself or someone else ever.
Here’s the thing, my precious Soul Sibling: you will always live a sad, repressed fraction-life if you don’t discover who you were made to be.
And you’ll never discover who you were meant to be until you start conducting experiments with things you think you might like. And even things you think you might not really like (expand that comfort zone!). But especially trying things you like.
That’s a lot easier when you put as much physical and emotional space between you and the toxic people who can’t see the inherent worth in the treasure that is actually knowing the real YOU, and when you start reaching out to the crew of people who have proven that they deeply care about the GENUINE you.
And if you don’t have caring people, you’ll need to communicate your mind to help yourself find them. And to help them find you.
Remember that the same Source that created every incredible thing that has ever been marveled at made *you* too.
Made you to be marveled at as well.
Let us share in the awesome splendor that is knowing you.
You are so important.
We’re all in this together.
7.) If someone refuses to do what we ask, we have a sh*tty insurance policy to buffer taking it personally.
This is kind of the opposite of number 3, where we just want to take out our frustration and rage on someone. Instead, here, our egos are so fragile because we are convinced of our unimportance, that the idea of someone telling us “no”, even if kindly but especially if not, would send us over the edge.
We still do take it personally, but we think it hurts less than if we could point to it and say, “I told them not to, and they did it anyway!” or “They knew it was so important to me, and they still refused!”
It gives us the upper hand and a phantom sense of control. We can’t be refused what we didn’t ask for.
We don’t have to suffer the indignity of someone saying to our face what we tell ourselves all the time: “I am insignificant, unworthy, and easy to reject.”
8.) We’re scared of being vulnerable and the pain of misunderstandings.
Depending on our upbringing and other relationships, we may well be within our rights to feel this way.
But this isn’t about right or wrong.
It’s about beneficial versus detrimental.
To build trust with people who matter, and to bond with them in any deep way, you need to be vulnerable.
Conflicts indeed can be painful. But they also, with the right people, help you grow together.
Don’t believe me? There are studies that back this up.
Today is the day to start looking at how to distance yourself from anyone who has devotedly made you feel “less than”, shameful, or ill-at-ease when you showed them your real, human side.
Today is the day to start looking for people who can be trusted because they are REAL.
How do you look for and find those people?
By being REAL yourself. By being the person you needed when you were told that being vulnerable equates to not being “enough”.
You find those people by being the sort of person that it is safe to have a conflict with because you care about and respect people more than superficial circumstances, issues, and disagreements.
And if the circumstances, issues, and disagreements aren’t superficial? What if they are SUPER IMPORTANT to your values and wellbeing (mental, physical, financial, emotional, etc.)?
You don’t have to stay and argue. You don’t have to cave in. You don’t have to “sell your soul”. You don’t have to get upset or try to buy worthless validation with your priceless energy and time.
9.) We don’t feel safe to ask for things. If we ask, we may be judged, love may be with held, or some other form of retribution will be exacted.
Whenever we’ve been open and asked, our subconscious has noticed a horrifying pattern: nothing in this world is free.
Especially not love or acceptance.
We may get what we want, but the process of asking (more like begging) is so painful and humiliating, it spoils the whole thing.
Or it explodes into a completely unnecessary fight 30,000 miles away from where we started the conversation.
Or, the person we’ve asked *always* finds a way to make sure we wish we hadn’t. It never turns out the way we hoped because they somehow find perverse ways of overtly—or yes, covertly—making it so awful we’d have been better off if we had stayed in bed with a pillow over our head.
Or we get so tongue-lashed with judgement we suddenly understand exactly the type of person that the scold’s bridle was invented for.
Or some other nonsense.
You somehow feel like you are dealing with a impossible, soulless government bureaucrat who is raping your heart.
All over a simple topic, disparity, or request.
You begin to question reality in general and your sanity in particular.
“It wasn’t worth it and never will be” is the only conclusion the bloody pulp of your dignity can come to.
You don’t have to pay for this piss-poor service that insults your very essence.
Start distancing yourself today and VOTE.WITH.YOUR.FEET.
And from now on, don’t take this traumatic past out on the new people in your life who have proven repeatedly that they are trustworthy, solid, reliable, and love you.
No need to pass on the retribution that was unjustly laid on you.
You deserve to be happy now. Now you hold that key to happiness. The key is sharing that previously-insulted essence.
You have nothing to lose but your chains.
10.) You were brainwashed that “anticipating needs” is a sign of love and to be expected.
Someone in your life, during your malleable formative years, narcissistically fed off of you by convincing you that in order to be good, loving, and “enough”, you needed to constantly be at their beck-and-call, so finely attuned that you could know what this narcissist needed better than they did themselves.
Hurt people hurt people.
Unfortunately, this sick, twisted, selfish standard of “love” that you were manipulated into believing in became your standard too. Without context or contrast, how were you supposed to know differently?
Any visceral knowing of unconditional love was quickly scorned or stomped out of you.
So you adapted.
You’re a survivor.
But now you are with someone else. And the needy-fool’s version of narcissistic sychophant-supply-huffing garbage doesn’t work with someone who knows their worth and has their own back (the kind of person actually worth being with).
You adapted once (as a tiny child, no less! You’re a prodigy!) and you can do it again!
Break that self-righteous, soul-sucking cycle right now. You deserve to receive and GIVE real, high-quality affection in a relationship that isn’t one-sided or self-obsessed.
Drop the irrational entitlement and communicate clearly, openly, honestly, and kindly.
You owe that to those whom you love and who love you.
And it actually benefits you instead of letting you rip yourself out of the life and relationships you always dreamed of.
If any (or like for me, many) of these resonate with you, if you now know *why* you ineffectually try to communicate via brainwaves, you can start catching yourself in the moment.
You can give yourself your voice back. You can be strong, capable, and pleasant and easy to be with.
An delight really.
Which is what you ALWAYS have been.
It’s not your fault your fabulosity was trained out of you and your voice was silenced.
And just think how incredible it will feel when you see the results of undoing that training and being your clearest, realest self.
So much pain and tedium and needless irritation will no longer be the staple of a daily struggle.
Your relationships will be as they were always meant to be: Easy. Joyful.
Give yourself that gift. Give your loved ones and acquaintances that gift.
And if you know someone who has this problem, gently approach them. Show them this list. They may have no idea.
It might just make life better for both of you.
All My Love,
Please leave a comment letting us know what resonated most with you! What did I leave out?