Updated: Sep 15
There’s a lot of talk about having boundaries and enforcing them. I know when I first started reading about boundaries, they caused me a lot of stress. What are boundaries? How do I enforce them? This feels bad! Am I doing it right? Am I wrong? How unreasonable am I being?
I eventually made peace with the fact that I wanted what I wanted and it was okay to stay if I wanted. To get angry and hurt but enjoy the good times anyway. To glean every bit of experience I felt was meant for me. To do what I needed to do to survive and grow.
Boundaries aren’t something you make. They already exist inside you. And you don’t even have to enforce them. They will eventually enforce themselves. If you let someone keep crossing them, it will be unbearable and cause a lot of turmoil until something inside you eventually breaks and you will never care about that person in quite the same way, if at all, ever again.
Something will break and something will heal at the same time.
The boundaries will self-regulate and detach you if you can’t do it yourself. Sometimes it is interesting just to sit back and watch it all play out. Sometimes you ride the spiral to the end.
If you want a relationship to last, and not make yourself miserable (or the other person miserable with your passive-aggressive reactions), you need to be clear on what you want and what you’ll be able settle for and what you’ll be able to put up with. How do you "be clear" about these things? By talking too much and draining explaining?
Nooooo. With (as Natasha Adamo always words it) "kind, dignified" ACTION. Why do I say that boundaries "enforce themselves"? Because when you stop working so hard to enforce them yourself (with a bunch of obvious bluffing)...the kind, dignified action part happens as naturally as breathing. Why? Because self-love is the natural state you were born to be in, and when enough is enough and you're sick and tired of being sick and tired...
When you no longer have the energy to suppress the intuition you worked so hard to shout down, ignore, and out-smart / out-do...
It starts to work to do what needed to be done all along.
This is what people mean when they say "boundaries".
You will need to state your boundaries more than once, especially if you are radically changing how people view and treat you. Of course it will be disconcerting for all involved! Of course old habits will die hard.
It is up to you to firmly, classily, consistantly let your boundaries enforce themselves.
In some situations, you may be safe and respected enough to share your feelings and be taken seriously.
In other situations, you may need to vote with your emotional or physical feet. Walk away and be okay.
At one point, I eventually made peace with the fact that I wanted what I wanted and it was okay to stay in a crumby (literally) relationship if I wanted to, as long as I wanted to.
To, as I said, get angry and hurt but enjoy the good times anyway. To glean every bit of experience I felt was meant for me. To do what I needed to do to survive and grow.
Because eventually, after a belly-full, I would be unapologetically done. But not a moment sooner.
It's okay to give people a chance to accept and abide with your boundaries. It's okay to walk away and be okay. It's okay to try again. It's okay to move on once and for all.
Whether your boundaries decide to give someone another chance or not, it is *imperative* that you forgive. Forgive everyone. Them. And YOU.
Forgiveness is the highest form of self-love because you let go to stop wasting your energy on what makes you unhappy, and move forward with doing what makes you feel good.
That's you job: to feel good.
To Thine Own Self Be True.
All My Love,