You can’t take it anymore. Time has been revamped. Instead of A.D. Anno Domini, the new timeline reads P.B.--Post Break-Up. You’re counting down the days, no, minutes since they hurt you with good-bye. To everyone trying to carefully explain why you are better off: Please-do-so-ever-completely SHUT UP. It’s too much and you need to grieve.
And by grieve we both know that means to perseverate endlessly, stay in denial, bargain, roil in fury, and suffocate in depression...anything but acceptance because that would mean you really did lose the final tie to them, and that is beyond unbearable.
You do the one thing to stay connected that you can, the one thing ALL of us do: snuggle with that t-shirt they forgot one day that was kicked under the bed and still smells like them, and gaze longingly at whatever pictures you still have access to. It’s the only thing that gives you any hope that True Love is still out there, and that’s the only thing that keeps your stomach settled enough to [binge] eat.
If you aren’t already blocked on social media, you’re screenshotting everything in case you are, clicking on every connection you can to see who knows who (you’re already scouting for potential moles who will keep you in the know on the down-low) and if you can deduce or induce anything new (especially a relationship status update).
It’s embarrassing and it’s a waste of time and no one who could find out would approve, but it’s all you’ve got, it’s YOUR waste of time, and who’s to be the wiser, right?
Go ahead and cry. Let it out.
At some point (which, if we’re going to be honest, has probably long passed, even taking into account the emotional 3rd degree burn-level pain that is clouding your judgement) even you are going to get tired of the perseverating and obsessing and stalking, the time-passage-tracking, the weariness, and the-whole-world-centering around this one misery-making person / event / fiasco.
You’re going to want to move on and also NOT move on, and you’re going to wonder how to do anything AT ALL because what started as a the first few stages of grief has petrified into a mind-and-happiness-warping tragic way of life.
I know because this was me too.
It’s one thing to be a little curious and check into someone you had a past experience with, with relative detachment more or less. It’s another if you pathologically can’t, won’t stop (and you feel like you’re helplessly, hopelessly spiralling off the deep end).
It should be harmless, innocuous even, these last vestiges of connection you have, and honestly (I hear you say) it’s the only thing keeping you from breaking no contact and voting with your feet all the way back to their un-welcome matted door.
Social-media stalking and calendar counting is all you have…
Desperately hoping to Law-Of-Attraction-style run into them “by chance”
Starting to count down the seconds until you might run into them “by chance”
Spiking with joy euphoria everytime the phone goes off only to be more hurt and disappointed because of course it’s not them
Looking through old photos and gifts from them
Begging/bargaining with God / the Universe / Higher Power for them to come back
Believing that just because you want your ex- back so badly, it’s a Heavenly Mandated sign they are someone truly worthy of missing
Contemplating a love spell
Contemplating a psychic hotline
Figuring out some excuse to call that isn’t totally obvious that you just need to hear their voice
Checking to see if time machines have been invented
Seeing how much couple’s therapy would cost (in case they ever do come back...P.S. they will refuse to go to therapy with you. Just a heads up)
Reassuring yourself they will call for the holidays, just to check on you
Hell, they’ll probably drop in for the holidays! Just for old time’s sake...
Unless they have a new romantic interest...you don’t think...but from that one photo...and they’re such a catch!...oh sh*t...
Doubting they will call for the holidays, just to check on you
Resisting the urge to serial-post pathetic “sexy” pictures or “I shall overcome” quotes
Reading tons of quotes
Resisting the urge to call everyone your ex- has ever known and let them know what a scumbag they’re friends with
Re-reading all the text messages and e-mails--especially the hurtful ones--for the umpteenthjillion time and beating yourself up
Feeling like breaking no contact even worse--how easy is it really for someone to get a restraining order against you? Not very, right?
What if I make it look like a butt dial?
Making a dating profile so you can find someone new to distract you and shield your ego
Sobbing because you don’t want anyone else
Sobbing because you feel like you couldn’t get anyone else, even if you did want to
Wanting someone else...sort of...just to feel better...maybe they’ll be alot like your ex-
Going out with someone else and feeling worse than ever realizing no one could possibly ever match the comfort, familiarity, and quirks that you miss from your ex-
If you are losing your sanity because every bit of your mental and emotional strength is going to desperate daydreams of Macguyvering just one more instant of being back together…
Take a deep bellybreath with me and let’s just be for a second.
Do you realize that you’re doing more work than if you simply just missed your ex-? Do you realize that you’re doing way more work that if you simply worked on being a better, happier you?
Think about that for a second. There’s time.
When it comes to another person: COMPLETING IS DEPLETING.
It rhymes and also it’s true. It’s time to stop asking to be completed by someone else, and it’s time to stop trying to complete someone else.
That goes for this love story as well. COMPLETING IS DEPLETING. It’s time to stop searching for closure that can never be found. Closure can’t be found because I guarantee that there is no acceptable, satisfying answer to why you were treated and abandoned the way you were. There isn’t, and you know it and I know it. Nothing anyone can say will undo the injustice of it all, and the truth about “finding closure” is that it sounds just plausible enough to redirect us into denial and delay instead of embracing the suck and MAKING our closure.
The end is just where you decide to stop. The and... is where you take action and remodel you life into a place you want to live.
There comes a point where (better sooner than later) you stop feeling triggered into stagnation and you start to move into healthy ACTION.
There aren’t alot of rules here at FABSOLUTELY.Co, but one of the few is to always make your behavior benefit you.
I’m not suggesting you drop ALL your coping activities and fantasies right this very minute (if that were even possible) or that you should feel guilty about any of it. If I would have tried to stop “cold turkey” it would have blown up into yet another debasing episode of no contact being broken and boundaries being crossed (that happened enough as it was).
It just would have been too much at the moment and the recoil and even GREATER perceived loss would have ignited a visceral, almost animal-like panic to reach out and grab for my ex-. You don’t want that! Do what you need to do BUT…
Instead of building every spare moment around your relationship problems, losses, and resisting urges….instead of always being angry about, feeling punished by, and terrified of no contact (terrified of breaking no contact, but also terrified that somehow you really are driving away / going to ice out and lose forever THE ONE)...
What if you replaced some of those behaviors, or some of the time you spend on them, with behaviors that benefit you? And while you shift your behavior and thoughts, ever so slightly today, what if you kept in mind that the point of no contact isn’t a masochistic torture to obliterate the last tatters of relief and joy in your life...but is actually the paving stones for the road to a life full of relief, security, and indeed joy.
How could that be?
The point of no contact is to abstain from something that has proven to be unhealthy and unwelcome so that you can heal and so that you can start welcoming yourself--your TRUE SELF, that you can be proud of--as your own soulmate, best friend, protector, cheerleader, and caretaker--the one who ACTUALLY takes care of business, is kind, supportive, receptive, caring, honest, forthright, tactful, generous, loyal, strong, sets a good example, watches out for you, keeps you out of bad situations....you know, everything you ever needed, wanted, and deserve.
Today is a great day to:
Identify your values and qualities (sign up to get my free e-book at the bottom of the page to learn how!)
Use your values to identify what you want to work on more in your life, including the boundaries you want to strengthen
Use your qualities to identify what you want to work on about yourself so you can feel as proud as possible about the person you express to the world (and thus build confidence!)
Use your confidence and boundaries to set your standards
Grieve / release the person (and therefore future) that you *thought* existed in your ex- (but that your ex- consistently proved was nothing more than branded public relations as part of their inauthentic self-marketing campaign to swindle in good-hearted “supply” like yourself)
Make a commitment to yourself and the future you actually want to live
VALIDATE YOURSELF by sticking to your commitment
Consistently show up for yourself. Every day. Do something to get !% better and something that Future You will be grateful for. Reflect nightly.
Surround yourself with people who have proven to consistently be helpful, loving, supportive, loyal, and trustworthy.
It will take longer than you like, but sooner than you expect, to see real, positive change in your life, and healthy indifference (towards your ex-) in your heart.
There will be moments when the pain flares up to intolerable levels, and when that happens, I want you to remember that it’s just that--a flare-up moment.
A pain is to pass, and sooner than you think. In the moment, flare-ups feel like they will last forever, they certainly last longer than you’d like, but are over sooner than you expect.
And these pain flare-ups? A very good sign that you are processing some serious sh*t and about to release it. Just like bruises get sore-er and scabs get itchy, emotional pain flares up when it’s about to heal up.
Don’t arrest your own healing by letting the last dying wail of your trauma trigger you into something that doesn’t truly benefit you (breaking no contact).
It’s time to stop obsessing about the people who made sure they didn’t matter by being hurtful and excluding themselves from your life, and start obsessing about the person who matters most: YOU--in the best, most constructive way possible. You’re not going to heal if you keep slicing open the wound as often as you can, so put on the bandage of self-love and self-control with the salve of things that make you feel good and align with who you want to be.
Stop neglecting YOU at the time that you need YOU the most. Stop giving yourself less care and attention than you are giving someone who doesn’t care to be in your life any longer. You know, the Dr-Jekyll-mask-fronting Mr. Hyde who lied, blamed, and evaded the whole time. The mask may be back on, but they haven’t changed and it will come back off soon enough. People can’t help but reveal who they really are. If they were worthy of your investigations, you wouldn’t have to investigate in the first place.
Fix the relationship problems with yourself first. The good news: the hardest part is getting started. It’s true in physics and it’s true in life. I was able to make 1% worth of progress in starting to believe that I deserved better, and SO CAN YOU.
“At the moment of commitment, the entire Universe conspires to assist you.”
-- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
All My Love (Always!),
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