Updated: Dec 29, 2019
And How Can I Stop Being Angry At Myself?
In my experience, anger, like cholesterol, is not inherently a bad thing. Let's talk about the “good” kind of anger first.
The good kind of anger is the kind of anger that leaves you in complete control instead of out-of-control.
Good anger is actually born from forgiveness. Forgiveness is a category of acceptance of what has happened, and acceptance is how we conclude grief.
Good anger helps you heal and it helps you make good choices. Yes, GOOD, WISE choices, from anger. I can’t tell you how grateful I was to finally get good angry because it cleared out the feelings of being sucked down in the quicksand of regret, sorrow, hopelessness, helplessness, rejection, what-iffing...the most painful and darkest torments of being abused, blamed, and abandoned (emotionally or physically) by the people who I loved the most and who had promised to always be there for me.
Good anger is the natural product of the change we realize we have to make in our lives. The change we have to make because we never want to go through another relationsh*t again and we're good and fed-up with letting ourselves be tired of being in pain, feeling worthless, and feeling spiritually dead.
This change is to accept that we are human beings who are worthy, valuable, and deserving of love and protection from those who consistently showed with their actions that we are not (in their sad opinion).
Before now, we found it easy to believe we were not valuable, and deserving of love and protection because guess who told us that THE MOST?
WE DID. By staying in those situations.
** When we constantly talked down to ourselves (in our minds or to others)
** When we refused to believe in ourselves and limited our options
** When we disliked, criticized, and replayed humiliating circumstances, not to learn from them but to punish ourselves and confirm our biases that we are sh*t
** When we looked to someone else to fix our pain while simultaneously believing it would never happen (because we feel unworthy and impossible to love)
** Being completely conflicted, sad defeatists with impossible expectations of perfection and mind-reading powers (from ourselves and others)
The worst part is, like attracts like so the ONLY person who would put up with that kind of attitude is people with a deep-seated same. Yikes.
I was seeking the unconditional love, validation, esteem, value, and protection from the only people who would pay attention to me (often because they were as broken, emotionally incompetent, insecure, and aimless as I was)…and either way, no matter how hard they tried and how kind they were…of course it was never enough because these holes can never be filled except by *our own self*.
The purpose of others is to enhance...our friends, family and co-workers are magnifying glasses… If your self-image is hideous, you will feel others enhance that ugliness (even when they are kind, eventually it will backfire).
My self-worth was so low that whenever I was treated well, it would just highlight everything I hated most about myself, and I would take it out on the person just trying to be a good person!
And at other times, they did the same to me. It's a fishbowl of toxicity and resentment. And disrespect.
How can you respect someone when you are convinced they are a liar, giving you false hope...and at the same time, not enough?
Eventually, you self destruct, or you get so tired of being miserable that you have to change. And when you finally decide to try...
Accept that you are valuable, and deserving of love and...
Get good and angry!
You get angry like you would if you saw any other person getting treated that way!
And when you get good and angry, you ACT accordingly:
*** You use your skills and TIME in a way you find fulfilling
*** You reach out to someone understanding and knowledgeable, for help and stop being so helpless or arrogant that you think you can shoulder all of life's burdens alone
*** You clean up your living environment and make it a relaxing, rewarding place to be
*** You try to be wiser with your finances and have your own back
*** You start taking care of your body with exercise and healthy foods (instead of what I had been doing, which was eating nothing but sugar)
*** And you get out of toxic relationships (and by get out of I mean we detach ourselves emotionally, physically, totally, as best we can and work on it everyday)
*** We stop playing Validation Sisyphus by: explaining our point of view AGAIN and trying to miraculously cure emotionally handicapped people, which never works. We stop sending these invitations to our own Roasts where we are completely exposed to gaslighting, being called crazy, blamed, and having these feelings exploited later.
The good anger is a natural result of seeing yourself as a real human being, and seeing the way you were treated in an objective, realistic light instead of beating up/blaming/denying how bad it was/second-guessing/etc. yourself.
We’ve all done things we regret. We all wish we had done things differently.
Here's the thing: you didn’t MAKE anyone do anything. Their responses to you were entirely their own decisions and reflect entirely on their own selves.
If you were treated with cruelty, disrespect, lied to, treated as hard to love and easy to abandon, discarded (however frequently and often), unreasonably criticized, torn down, treated as if you weren’t worthy of effort, ignored, blamed, verbally abused, had all your words and concerns twisted back on you and all your fears and past pain used as weapons…
It’s not all about you. It’s not your fault.
Unless you are doing these things to others (I'm guilty too). But if you are here reading this, you have already started to become a better person by realizing you need to and looking to change.
All of that comes from the innermost being of the person you are dealing with.
They could have reacted with dignity and decency.
Here’s where good anger comes in: See those acts as despicable and as damaging as they are. See them as if you were watching a Tyler Perry-style film.
When you get good angry, you don’t need to explain why this behavior is unacceptable.
You don’t want an apology anymore because 1.) you know it is completely worthless, coming from such a craven person who sees no real need to change, 2.) and you no longer care what they think because you don’t need their opinion to agree with yours (validation) because 3.) you know where you stand with YOURSELF (that’s all you needed all along anyways) and 4.) you are just plain glad to be done with that person.
WHY are you suddenly so glad to be done? Pay attention:
Because good anger births the greatest, most necessary feeling necessary to recovery from a relationsh*t:
When you can get disgusted, you are no longer a prisoner to this person. You are free because the appeal has been replaced with revulsion. The illusion that there was something good to go back to has been changed into the desire to stay away. Why? You’ve been burned…badly. And like comedian Christopher Titus says, “Falling into a bonfire is a one-step program!”
I’m not saying if you feel disgust that it won’t hurt anymore (it will) or that you won’t wish the other person had been different (you will) or even that you won’t realize you did have some good times, and you miss them (and that’s totally okay).
But disgust *will* make it much easier to move on because when you have those moments of weakness (like when they inevitably call you, wanting something (validation, attention, help, sex, etc.), that unshakable disgust will be there to remind you not to get involved because you can no longer stomach the treatment you consistently received and deep down know that you can continue to expect.
Alright, all that was the benefits of good anger, the kind you can harness. What about bad anger, the kind that harnesses you?
The kind that makes you feel like you’re dying from poison (you are—your body is releasing chemicals into your bloodstream that are incredibly bad for your long-term health).
The kind that won’t let you think about anything else.
The kind that makes you want to do something destructive and dangerous.
The kind that would get you into trouble if you gave in (from lashing out to something even more serious).
The kind that has you fantasizing about returning your pain to sender and getting revenge (revenge always makes you feel worse in the end because you aren’t an evil empathetically-void monster).
What about that kind of anger, that destructive, taking-over-your-mind-no-rest-for-the-wicked-all-consuming-this-is-totally-unfair-I-can’t-even-think-straight anger?
It’s the same way you get GOOD anger. You fight destruction with construction.
You start constructing your love for yourself.
You start constructing the life you want to live because it’s finally worth living.
The fact that you are looking for real solutions instead of doing what you’ve always done is a good sign.
You might not even be taking baby steps, you might be crawling on your hands and knees at first and STILL fall on your face sometimes.
That’s okay, I started that way too.
But once you start valuing YOU, you won’t hurt and poison yourself with denial that the person who wronged you can “right” you, or thinking that you can do what no other person in the history of humanity could do—force someone to change when they didn’t really want to (even Jesus didn’t FORCE people to change: “Behold I stand at the door and knock” a.k.a. “offer”).
You will accept that and you will no longer *wallow* in the security of pain. You will acknowledge your pain and let it go instead because your time is too valuable and you are sick of the pain killing you.
You will accept that *you* now can provide what you need better than they can ever repay what they owe you, and in fact, you will be able to get to the point where you don’t even want what they have to offer because you know what they have to offer and it is beneath your dignity (if you just want to move on). Or you will be able to get to the point where you can cope/thrive in your relationship with them (instead of struggling to survive yourself) if that is what you want instead.
You will also accept that it is beneath your dignity to react in ways that will only hurt you (your job, your healthy relationships, anything that could result in jail time, etc.)—and you’re working towards something far too precious to lose: your best life.
Make sure your behavior ALWAYS benefits you. It's your job to feel good.
You’ll be too focused on making your dreams become reality to have nothing better to do than fill emptiness with bitter feelings.
Revenge isn’t even worth your time anymore because again, you don’t need the other person's suffering from getting their just desserts to validate your feelings. That's a job for the Invisible Hand.
You don’t need to teach them a lesson you now realize they literally do not have the capacity to learn. You have realized that they have nothing that you NEED because you have the validation that you never knew you always needed: your own.
You've got this! And all of us here. I am so proud of you!
All My Love,