You know this picture well....the forced "WHOOOOO!!!" that is the personal equivalent of fiddling while the "Rome" that is your life burns...
It's Thanksiving today and the Holiday Season (TM) has started in earnest. Even if you don't take the holidays to heart too seriously, some how the pain of missing someone(s) always seems to get worse and their absence is highlighted in Technicolor neon by the vibe in the air, the coldrums (cold doldrums), the increased workload and stress, the stress of having to be brave and cheerful and "normal" amidst intense lengthy bouts of socializing, the memories that are sprouting up, unbidden in droves...all of it.
But wait, there's more!
The break-up has been a horrifying waking nightmare, and as if you’re the target of a black ju-ju curse, the chips in your life keep falling where they may—in all the worst ways. Your life could be the illustrated example for the phrase “it never rains, it pours”.
It could be any combination of things: trouble with (or loss of) your job, car trouble, house trouble, legal trouble, or some other financial and energetic catastrophe, a death, illness (your own or someone you care about), and so on. Devastating enough on their own, now you are forced to deal alone while dealing with the betrayal and heartbreak of being left to fend for yourself by the person you were absolutely sure you could count on to be there through thick and especially thin. You know, the person you gave everything you had to give and more to.
You can’t even catch a break when you should be having fun. Whether you are trying to get into and excited about things you’ve been wanting to do (but didn’t because you spent your time and energy on your relationship), or your friends finally drag you out of your fortress of solitude for a “fun night out”…things feel good again for minute, great even! “We’ll look back someday and laugh”—that day has finally come! You’re high on a change of pace, high on a change of scenery, high on all the attention of others, maybe even buzzed on alcohol or something else. You wonder what you had been so upset about anyway! Heartache? What’s heartache?! You’re flying! Until…
The trigger could be ANYTHING. It could be the song, a sight, a smell, suddenly feeling ignored or snubbed or not paid-attention-to “enough”, getting rejected, something not working, a wardrobe malfunction (broken shoe, anyone?), noticing all the happy couples around you, coming down off the high, someone being rude, opening yet another threatening “past due” notice, news going from bad to worse…you don’t even have to realize what it is for the emotional Acme anvil to smash you flat as a pancake.
Too bad Acme doesn’t sell a Crate of Inhibitions (TM) because yours are gone.
You’re too stressed, too impaired, too triggered, too hurt for too long, too starved for the love you miss. The depression-induced brainfog is back stronger than ever and you come to the conclusion that the situation is hopeless. If your situation is dire, you feel like there’s no way up from hitting rock bottom. If you were having fun, you feel like life is a lost cause if you can’t even feel good for more than 30 minutes when out and about doing something delightful--even while fully conscious of and taking into account how poorly you were treated by the one(s) who were supposed to love and care about you.
You’re sick of no contact (it’s been so hard, you’re still hurting, and there’s no end in sight …what are you “being strong” for anyway?), you never “got” closure (spoiler: closure has to be made), you want to know that you mattered to your ex-, or at least the secret to being able to completely forget someone and move on (since they had no problem doing that with you), you want to make them remember, or better yet get confirmation that you weren’t as forgettable as they made you feel…you want to be missed the way you are missing them. Why…HOW…are they never in the state you’ve been *living*--bereft—and never had a weak moment where they reached out?
You aren’t sure whether to convince yourself that life with your ex- wasn’t that bad, or to get more incensed, angry, and outraged. You can be curled up on the floor at your lowest, or looking great and supposed to be having the time of your life...
the emotional fall-out is the same because your wounds have re-opened:
You can’t help but screaming internally: ‘Is there no end to this indignation?!’
So you do any of the following (or more accurately, you feel like any of the following “just happens”):
*Call their friend/relative/co-worker/someone they know who would know what they’ve been up to, to do a F.B.I.-style interrogation (that is anything but subtle or effective and makes you look and feel like the F.B.I. will probably put you on a list)
*Text and/or leave a voice message
*Drive by their house/place of work/place you know they will be just to feel an iota of closeness of the past for one second because you are feeling that alone
*Start a fight/drama with someone else/do something damaging as a projection of your pain and lack of control
*Cry inconsolably or shut down/become a drag—either way, you stop functioning
Whatever you have going on, when your vulnerabilities have taken over your sensibilities at the moment, your inhibitions have fled, and you feel (or are) impaired….
your deepest insecurities and issues will take center-stage and you will feel completely justified in the moment, no matter how erratic or counter-productive you react….
and Tomorrow You will be left reaping (and trying to mitigate/deal with/recover from) the consequences, which include but aren’t limited to:
*Losing any trust you had in yourself (since you can’t be counted on to make your behavior benefit you. Instead you got back on the self-sabotage saddy-go-round)
*Losing self-respect (since you’ve just demonstrated you lack self-control)
*Internal humiliation and loss of dignity
*Feeling like a complete loser because you feel like everything you’ve been working on (like healing your heart and staying strong) has gone down the drain *Feeling like a pathetic emotional-scraps-feeding bottom-dweller forgotten and cut off from those blessed souls who get to live in the light-filled upper relationship realms.
Yikes. That’s heavy and dismal.