What is it about the Holiday Season that breaks out the heartbreak?
I recently had someone I love and care about deeply, hurt me so profoundly, I still don’t really have words. I feel like I understand the people who went to war and when they came back, never wanted to speak of it again. Sometimes there are no words. It was one of of those situations where it went well beyond the point of tears and instead into shaking uncontrollably, panic attacks, sleeplessness, feeling like internal organs have been liquified in the torso, and inability to eat.
This blog is for you, for every one who was ever lost, confused, and didn’t know where to turn...A community of love, being seen, understood, and connected with at our lowest points, when we need it the most. It is not my public pity party for how much I personally have been hurt, wronged, and crushed in various ways. I have been very open with my various foibles: my own toxicity, bad habits, irresponsibility and passing blame and judgement, lack of personal accountability, entitlement, self-sabotage, unhealthy behavior, humiliation (of myself and others), lying, backstabbing, broken promises, passive-aggressiveness, vengefulness, laziness/apathy, and general unpleasantness and impossible-ness.
At the same time...these blog posts are written for some version of myself, Past, Present, and Future.
I enabled this person to do what they did to me, and I have engaged in my own version of the kind of emotional murder that returned to me through them. All this to say, forgiveness for anyone begins with forgiveness for yourself.
Forgiveness. It’s a topic that’s so central to the human experience that it’s been discussed, defined, and re-defined constantly. Every single person no doubt experiences it a little bit differently. This post is what I wish someone had told me, based on what I learned through experience. I hope it resonates with you, even though your mileage may vary.
What is forgiveness anyway?
As I have experienced it, Forgiveness is a shift in energy, priorities, and mindset to one of acceptance, TRUE self-love, and getting out of the pain and bad memories to where you want to (and should) be...It’s transcendence from the depths of awfulness that this base world offers to what thousands of years of other hurting humans have called “the Divine” by focusing, as much as possible, on blessings and better thoughts, and surrender every unpleasantness to the Higher Power (as you understand It) that loves you so much and always has your best interests at Heart.
It is a willful exchange with the Divine (who can help you in ineffable ways) of your every negative contrast-of-what-you-don't-want for everything that you *do* want, and the currency is appreciation, trust in the Divine, and where you put your focus.
Set an intention for what you want Forgiveness to do for you. People often shun forgiveness because it’s easy, in our hurt, to misinterpret it as giving out free “Hurt Me! Take Advantage Of Me!” coupons; as conceding that somehow our pain is invalid, unimportant, or deserved; telling the world we condone the injurious behavior instead of condemn it; and worse.
These are impossible outrages our already inflamed heart whispers to us so that we can stay in emotional paralysis (which we know), instead of pulling ourselves up (after all, we’re in a bloody pulp on the floor of the world, and it hurts so much that getting up is about the last thing that feels like a good option).
But the truth is, forgiveness is whatever intention you set for it to be. It is your Servitor, you are the Master. Therefore…
* Forgiveness allows you to healthily repair the relationship and make it stronger if you wish , or healthily sever it without guilt.
* Forgiveness (acceptance and set intent) for self first, then for others, is the emotional dry land needed for the next leg of the relationship journey...when you have been struggling in the quicksand of out-of-control reactivity and self-sabotage, whether directed externally as gossip, fights, revenge, and/or internally as depression, self-harm, self-blame, numbness, psychosomatic illness, etc.
*Forgiveness gives you a solid starting point and clarity of mind to discover what you DO want and need to do next (with inspired action). It lets you pierce through the fog of pain, gut-grinding sense of injustice, and mind-numbing soul-weariness.
*Forgiveness is sanity and power (when you have been feeling anything but). Forgiveness is taking your power back and giving yourself options you can successfully act on (instead of unintentionally sabotage); you are surrendering what you can not control (to take focused control of what you actually can).
Forgiveness lets you choose who you want to be and who you want to be perceived as. It's the magic that let's you choose to be a peaceful-yet-completely-protected free-roaming porcupine versus a caged, tormented tiger; a pool of self-consuming acid; a helpless, wall-chained victim; a bed-bound mushroom; or a potential applicant for the local asylum.
*Forgiveness is no longer beating yourself against the glass door of futilely-wasted energy on what isn’t up to you, and instead opening it to take focused control of what is your birthright and only yours—yourself, your mindset, and your next move.
Releasing control is a kind of mandatory healing and mandatory generosity that automatically puts you under the protection and guardianship of the Higher Power or Source; One that has infinite resources (as compared to your limited ones), a penchance for making things work out better than you could have hoped, and infinite love for you (even and especially when you are having trouble loving yourself).
The more you surrender to Source, the more you are found worthy of the bountiful benevolence in store for you.
Rejection is protection.
Everything is okay, everything is going to be okay, and everything is happening for your benefit.
*Forgiveness is the Nansen Passport to the life of your dreams.
If you’ve never heard of a Nansen Passport, they were named after Norwegian explorer Fritjof Nansen and designed for the many stateless people whose lives had been obliterated by World War II. You may be no less of a stateless person right now, whether you emotionally or physically have nowhere to go.
How do you start over when the future you were sure of and worked towards every day for years is gone in the seconds your ex- (parent, lover, boss, friend, family, etc.) dropped a bomb?
Forgiveness gives you the beginnings of acceptance so that you start building momentum to build a new home and a new future (no matter how much you have currently lost) because forgiveness let’s you start fresh and anew somewhere else (instead of the refugee camp of brokenness, stagnation, or indecision; or the war zone of bitterness, regret, constant conflicts, begging, vengeance, and “explaining” (validation-and-useless-empathy-seeking)).
*It’s natural for you to want others to feel however YOU feel because it’s human to want others to feel what you are feeling and resonate with you moment to moment. But how you act and respond to situations is the truest expression of your current progress, growth, and spiritual, emotional, and moral state in life.
Forgiveness allows you to let what is Divine and Good shine through your next move and therefore to be your best self, instead of a self-sabotaging victim to your own “needs” and impulses.
It is connecting to what is most Majestic, Admirable, and Whole-Making.
Forgiveness lets you say everything that you want to say about your Highest, Truest, Best Self with your mindset, actions, and eventually pattern of behaviors.
*Forgiveness is an energetic reset, a respite like sleep. And like sleep, sometimes it happens in an instant, and other times slowly by degrees.
We would all love to fall asleep (and forgive) on command and have a refreshing re-awakening as fast as possible.
However, forgiveness is a gift from the Divine (like fate) that you are invited to co-create and collaborate in. Trust that even the forgiveness process, however messy, slow, imperfect, or regression-filled is a benevolent gift you are rising to meet for your highest good.
The *decision* to forgive is a one-step program; achieving all the benefits and acting on it is usually not. And that is okay.
Every step of progress is a victory.
Every regression is merely a dress rehearsal.
You are allowed as many chances as you need, to get it.
Be gentle with yourself.
Once you commit, you can never ultimately lose because you are co-creating with the Source of all that is good and whole-making.
Whether you have instant forgiveness or it comes by many, many degrees, it is no less of a miracle we can always be grateful for. When you get better, we all naturally benefit.
*Forgiveness allows you to get in the better state of mind that manifesting requires. It also saves your skin and organs from the unsightly wrinkles and damage bitterness and disappointment inevitably bring (like cancer and chronic health problems—muscles and tissues store memories and issues).
Better than Botox! To your health, wealth, and beauty!
You don’t have to wait for a health scare or near-death experience (yours or someone else’s) to enroll in the one-step program of deciding to forgive. But such an experience may be assigned to you because Source is always on the business of rendering your (and everyone else’s) greatest good, and the invitations to co-create will nearly always become more pressing, inviting, and appealing as self-destruction spirals downwards in contrast to what could be.
*Forgiveness sometimes heals other people as much as yourself.
Your first priority is you. But... There is a happy, FREE, by-product: Love grows love.
You never know who will see your example and become a better person for it.
We were designed to learn and emulate what is demonstrated for us. Forgiveness is a way to be the change you always hoped to see in the world.
*Forgiveness forges bonds that you always hoped to forge. Look at the word: fore (beforehand) giving. Giving before someone deserves it or has earned it, if you choose to do so for reconciliation.
Forgiveness is always Triumph in the face of Death:
emotional, spiritual, and physical. It is your own alive-making in action. It is resurrection from brokenness.
Human beings are fascinated with resurrection because they are designed to resurrect. Resurrection, being transformed, re-made, re-born, however great or minor, is your birthright.
You don’t have to like the delivery method or wrappings. But you will someday love the end result.
Ask anyone who forgave (instead of continuing to drink the poison of taking it personally and being hateful and bitter). Every one to a man will tell you how grateful they are. It will take longer than you like, but sooner than you expect, but don’t worry; time will pass anyway and it is worth the wait.
How do we forgive? Aside from a miracle instant spiritual awakening?
“Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and the wrong. Sometime in life you will have been all of these.”
—George Washington Carver
Sometimes I am quite sure that empathy is the answer to every human interaction problem. Empathy is the difference between the hypocrisy of a prima donna and someone who is REAL and worth knowing.
Every wrong shares at least some quality or vibration with every other wrong.
Pain is pain, hurt is hurt, wrong is wrong, even though we get tricked into thinking that the qualities and degrees change it into something else entirely.
You have to love yourself to love your neighbor as yourself. But when you do...you can finally hate the action but be non-hateful, indifferent, or even wholesome/loving towards the transgressors, which means more freedom (freed positive energy) for YOU. Empathy for yourself lets you have empathy for others—even when the pain and shame tells you *no one* is worthy.
If you can forgive yourself for what you have done (appreciate the road you have taken, even with the pit-stops you don't like that lead to clarity of what you do like and a richer destination all your own), you can forgive whatever pain/injustice echo has bounced onto you from somewhere else.
There is no glory or productivity in pointless and futile and WASTEFUL self-punishment or revenge; only in appreciation that leads to inspired re-routing (a.k.a. repentance and forgiveness).
It is time to start seeing yourself as and behaving as a powerful conduit for good (and feeling good, which is always our own respective responsibilities) is the path to being good!).
It’s "inexplicable" transcendence despite wishing we didn’t have these scars.
It’s humility (surrender) in the face of:
Who we have been (not our idea of our best selves, but admittedly the best we could do at the moment);
What we have done;
What we could have done (if we had our present clarity from experience);
What our lives would have looked like (if we had to live the life of those we have transgressed or who have aggressed against us).
It is NOT excuse making. It is NOT agreeing. It is NOT defeat.
It is VICTORY with the "consolation" prize being gratitude, connection, a roadmap, inner peace.
The Universe *always* thanks you for playing and you ALWAYS get a participation trophy.
Sometimes being the bigger person is the means to an end you want.
Sometimes it keeps your world spinning. Sometimes it’s the antidote to self-sabotage. Sometimes forbearance says what no amount of gossiping, nagging, complaining, or draining explaining EVER could.
Sometimes it’s a testament to who you are and what pricelessness you offer. Sometimes purity of heart shames the other person's inner being in a way that shaming never ever ever could because it's hard to play the victim card against a mirror.
A mirror? Yes. People are always comparing and contrasting themselves to those around them. It's a human compulsion. They can't not notice the ideal versus what they are putting out, even if it is subconscious.
Forgiveness is always for YOU, even if it is because YOU want the other person in your life still.
If you love this person and want to keep them, sometimes you have to remember what they give to you, why they are worth forgiving, and how you want to be treated when you inevitably upset/wrong/hurt them.
Someday you will need forgiveness too. Not one of us (narcissists included) gets to be perfect, no matter how much we wish it so. We will *ALL* need forgiveness.
But most of all, you can forgive when you have had enough of suffering.
You can forgive when you are ready for something better.
You can forgive when you are ready for Source to help you lay your burden that is too heavy, down.
You can forgive when you can have a vision beyond the pain and injustice.
You forgive because it is what you WANT or at least know you need (because you know what you no longer want any more of).
Forgiveness is selfless because it is selfish.
*All* of our lives improve when someone chooses to forgive.
Because forgiveness doesn’t mean approval or a lack of retribution.
It merely means the retribution (however gratifying you may believe it will be, it really never quite is because it’s not the time machine that you *really* want) is not your trouble to figure out because the whole stinking mess is no longer your trouble.
It’s the ultimate freedom.
It’s a remote control for your realest reality.
And when your quality of life improves, the things around you improve. This is what people mean when they say, “raising the vibration” and “wealth grows wealth” and “like attracts like”. The Invisible Hand works on emotional economics, not just financial economics. THAT is why it is important to be selfishly selfless. It’s good for your soul, which transfers because we’re all just resonating energy at the end of the day.
When you forgive, the alternate reality of what was before and what is now...none of this matters anymore. You rolled with the punches. You survived, problem solved. You’re playing with your new tools, new people, new places. You’re too busy getting busy feeling good and moving on to the next chapter of your life to care.
Forgiveness is the Stairway to the cool Loft Mezzanine, whenever you are ready to ascend.
All My Love,