WHAT TO DO FOR THE HOLIDAYS WHEN YOU FEEL BROKEN AND EMPTY AFTER A BREAK-UP


A Couple Dressed In Cozy White Sweaters Open A Cylindrical Red Box Covered In White Snowflake Pattern While Sitting On A Plaid Sofa Next To A Traditionally Candy-Cane Decorated Christmas Tree


I feel like I could have also used this picture:


We'll call this "broken-heart, 'help-I'm-drowning-in-pain' festive" (tm). It's a mood for sure.

‘Tis the season, and if your life is out of sorts thanks to your own lack of boundaried protection, self-soothing skills, or self-esteem; toxic family, friends, and co-workers / job environment; or a earth-shattering break-up (or even if you are with someone...the wrong someone), ‘tis the season of earth-shattering, non-stop anxiety, overindulgence (that always makes you feel even worse afterwards), overspending you can’t really afford (and debt, THE WORST, which means MOAR anxiety), too-much-to-handle-and-do overwhelm, running the interrogation gauntlet of well-meaning (or not) inquirers wondering what’s been happening with you, all while masking your real emotions and hiding the tears while you endlessly miss, miss, miss whoever cruelly abandoned you at the worst possible moment.


The cruel irony of the joy and cheer and nostalgia-inducing atmosphere is when it does nothing but amplify the loneliness and loss. The cold just highlights that all you’ve got to cuddle is a particularly lumpy pillow. The world that is so cozy for everyone else is just bigger, icier, emptier, and more isolating.


You may as be the Little Match Girl, barefoot in the snow, staring into the windows of the “haves” while you try to use sheer-force-of-will hallucinate happiness with the last of your strength.


And it just doesn’t let up! Eternity without relief because you can’t even turn on the television without all the cute holiday movies of model couples falling in love (and no one to watch with) or go to the store without seeing the popcorn tins and loads of gifts (and no one appreciative to buy them for or share them with), every window dressing and card and special discount offer and party invitation (or not)....


How are you supposed to NOT romanticize your ex- (ex- mate, parent, friend, whatever)???!!! This is the kind of environment that turns everything from war with the Maccabees (Hannukah), to the frozen North (Santa’s workshop), the passage of time (New Year’s), home trespassing (various legendary people delivering gifts), and so on into the most magical experiences possible.


As the boundaries of imagination and reality blur, so too do our own boundaries start to enforce themselves differently. It’s just a little too easy to break no contact, react, be less inhibited, less guarded, less careful, justifying everything with a “it’s just me getting into the holiday spirit” and expecting “the magic of the season” to work a magical values-and-personality transplant on those whose love we want (and whose behavior has hurt us) the most.


It’s too easy to put on a show and overcompensate with gifts that are too expensive both financially and emotionally (that we know deep down likely won’t be appreciated or even honestly reciprocated), blasting out messages to any and all (cards, texts, passive-aggressive gratuitous social media quote posting that either share too much, get blown off, or left on “read”), go to too many parties and events (that are draining, not fun, and leave us vulnerable and demonstrating the most unappealing side of ourselves), stretch ourselves too thin, stuff ourselves too full, and just suffer through it all with a smile so we don’t seem like that Uncle Scrooge ingrate. Anything to feel significant, not left out, remind people we’re here and we’re cool and fun and festive and unbroken in our obvious broken-ness.

What would the holidays be without it all?


Ugh.


I’ve done all that and worse (with a bad, pathetic, begrudgingly-generous the-world-owes-me attitude no less--gross). It felt better than being all alone and completely irrelevant...until it felt worse, actually.


So what are you supposed to do during the “most wonderful time of the year” and you feel more broken, more alien, more left-out, irrelevant, and the break-up feels every bit as raw and awful as ever?


HOW DO YOU “HOLIDAY” WHEN THE BREAK-UP PAIN JUST WON’T TAKE A HOLIDAY (although your ex-, your frenemies, and everyone most undeserving is having the best time ever….without you)?


GET OUT AHEAD OF IT:


Lots of people have mentioned some variation of this because this is simply how it is done. However, I really found the way Esther Hicks puts it to be most helpful:


It’s like you’re telling us, ‘I’ve just jumped out of an airplane without a parachute on, what do I do now?’ – And we say hang in there, it’ll be over in a minute…


Getting out ahead of it cuts out the drama of life...


...When you get out ahead of things, then you are not always on that leading edge, where every thought must be precise in order to save your life!


You can get out ahead of things. And then, every moment can be rich, and expansive, and full of insights and pleasure! You don’t have to be right up, against the edge. And something about that...


YOU ARE NOT CHALLENGED BY THE UNIVERSE!


This is not a contest of wits. This is vibrational response, to a vibrational output! And when your output is happening accidentally, or by default, then you kinda get pot luck. It´s sort of a crapshoot, about what comes back to you.


But when you are deliberate about what you think, as often as you can be, then life starts to smooth out! And you get all this leeway for the purpose of the PLEASURE of the moment, of the moment, of the moment of the moment of the moment!


You are NOT being tested here... There is NO challenger! The only thing that is challenging you, is your own split energy….


We want you to breathe rather than try, to relax rather than effort, to smile rather than struggle, to be rather than do. For your true power is only experienced from your Vortex…


Take the time to line up the energy first, and action becomes inconsequential. If you don’t take the time to line up the energy, if you don’t find the feeling place of what you’re looking for, not enough action in the world will make any difference…


Hold the thought, and pretend that it has happened. Feel the excitement as if it has happened, and then watch what happens. That’s the explanation of the Grid. Anytime that you focus long enough that you feel emotion come over you, you fill in a grid that will fill in with some evidence. The key to this Grid is to find some way of talking to yourself, to produce within yourself an emotion that feels better.”


This is how you can become more introspective (instead of reactive), more self-aware (instead of obsessed by others who proved that they really don’t matter), choose what behaviors actually benefits you (instead of something that seems like your only option in a moment of desperation but turns out to be a misery-making mistake), and makes you feel stronger (not drained, weakened, and dumped).


The sooner you start choosing that better feeling thought (from which inspired action begets), the sooner you can break-up with self-disrespect and self-diminishment, bit by bit, day by day, night by night; the sooner you will start feeling better, more joyful, more merry, more confident. You become your own gift. You finally start paving the way to giving the love, respect, esteem, the best of everything to YOURSELF--and feeling deserving of it.


Your decisions become blessings instead of broken-making arguments, validation-begging, and emptiness-enhancing stink bombs.

You *know* you can do better than that, because you can and you HAVE.


You are magical, able, and you aren’t alone. 7Cups.com has compassionate, anonymous listeners from around the world available any time of day or night, every single day of the year, for FREE. And I’m available for one-on-one help.


All My Love,


Ranyoi


Image Sources:

Photo by Анна Хазова on Unsplash

https://unsplash.com/photos/iOyzbjrl0c4


Photo by Kristopher Roller on Unsplash

https://unsplash.com/photos/PC_lbSSxCZE