Yes, you will get back together with your ex-.
I said it. Yes, you will. They are thinking about you and missing you right now and they will reach out soon (it will take longer than you like but sooner than you expect).
I know enough (from having been there) to know that you NEED to hear a 'YES, your ex- will take you back very soon.' I remember being so broken and so desperate that literally every.other.thing was blocked except for getting someone, anyone to tell me what I literally NEEDED to hear: that my ex- was coming back. At one point I spent literally all night pouring out every awful, sordid, infuriating detail of the past 5 years to every available listener on 7cups.com (who all told me some variation of "Um...the chances of getting back together don't look good...and why would you even want to?") until finally one psychology student in Scotland had enough sense to promise that yes, my ex- was *absolutely* thinking about me and would *absolutely* take me back (and then they distracted me by telling me about all the cool things we would would go do in Scotland if I were to visit).
I needed to hear it like I needed air to breathe and a reason to live.
I literally couldn’t rest until I heard a “yes”. This is one reason I loved Natasha Adamo’s blog post on how to get your ex- back and ExBackPermanently.Com—the reassurance that it would work (which fortunately hooked me into the rest of those blogs and got me self-healing).
Maybe you need a "Yes-but-how-do-you-know?"
How I know:
There are 7 billion people to choose from on the planet, sure, but they are all strangers and the more of them your ex- gets to know, the more your ex- will realize that every.single.one is flawed with their own special brand of crazy.
At least your ex- intimately knows *your* crazy. There is safety and even nostalgia in familiarity. Sinbad the comedian said it best:
“My wife and I we're together about six, seven years, we’re married, we divorced about ten eleven years, now we're back together married eight years. Because we're both so damaged we can't be with nobody else. We had to come back home! Once you've been married to each other you’re trained! I'm trained! I ain’t got time to train nobody else, she ain’t got time to train nobody else. Everybody's jacked up! Go back to the one you have! ‘I thought you was crazy...everybody crazy! I know your crazy. I can deal with your crazy.'”
Trust me. Me and my ex- got back together not once, not twice, not three times, but literally dozens of times, after fights over petty nonsense where the break-up lasted anywhere from an hour to a week, to 7 months of no contact where they hated my guts (and only called me because they needed help moving and were leaving the state, so they figured they had nothing to lose). I’ve been taken back after moving across the country, being jobless and nearly penniless, and after they ran around literally all over town with multiple other people (including, and I am not making this up, a Las Vegas showgirl). EVEN AFTER they said they never wanted to see or think about me again. Even after they said they would NEVER get back together with me again. EVER. I could go on but I won't.
All of this in spite of my incredibly toxic personality and promises to change that I constantly and ineptly failed to deliver on. So believe me when I say, your chances are excellent. Relax, keep reading. This blog post is about to get life-changing helpful now that you are soothed and satisfied enough to take it in.
Yes, YOUR ex- will take YOU back too NO MATTER WHAT. I just feel it (and I know that’s what you need to hear right now).
Much like that dog-catching-a-car, or winning-the-lottery moment, there are some things you can do to increase the likelihood of it working out, lasting, and being a more satisfying, positive lifestyle for both of you.
We’re aiming for a high success, low regress rate here.
SHOULD I GET BACK TOGETHER WITH MY EX-? HOW CAN I / HOW SHOULD I GET BACK TOGETHER WITH MY EX-?
^This will obviously differ with the individual, and some (a lot) of people will disagree with me on this, but I found that not dating / seeing / sleeping with other people made it a lot easier to get back together and pick up where we left off.
If exclusivity has always been a huge deal for your partner, maintaining that exclusivity even when you are technically free to not do so can build major value. Again, other people will advise you to go out and start dating (with a broken and obsessed heart? Bad idea in my opinion) to demonstrate your desirability and get the other person wanting what they can’t have but… Jealousy games are cheap and often backfire splendidly so…
Sometimes knowing that you've only been with them can make you even more desirable than if you were throwing yourself around, left, right, and center.
And sometimes it feels better for YOU to just keep to yourself and heal and not gamble on a child-style game eliciting a similarly childish and flimsy response.
Bottom line: If you would regret having done it if you were back with your ex- by tonight, DON’T DO IT. Make it as easy and drama / pain -free for them to “come home” as possible. Oftentimes, we give up and do something regrettable RIGHT BEFORE what we want comes knocking on our door again.
This is different from going out and having a life again, which you not only should but absolutely must do. Your ex- also wants and NEEDS to be missed, and if it looks like you AREN'T missing them (authentically not missing them because you are doing well; not in a cheap, obvious, pitiful, gratutitous rebound-off-the-deep-end out-of-control spiralling-desperate way), against all odds and their own intentions, they will get curious and start missing YOU (and the way YOU made them feel).
That’s the key: Just as you are missing how they made you feel, they can miss how YOU made *them* feel when times were good--and you can do this all the time by healing and dealing with your own issues, and consistently being (and increasing) your level best.
^Work on your own toxicity: The last thing you need to hear right now is *anyone* blaming or shaming you. You are beating yourself up more than enough for 50 lifetimes, and your ex- no doubt delivered the cruelest verbal gunshot wounds to the chest imaginable on their way out the door.
Just understand that if your relationship and break-up was less than respectful or amicable, it is a huge neon warning sign that you have some serious issues to work out. Especially if you immediately want back in *so bad* when it was a miserable, unsustainable experience. Like attracts like. There is a reason you feel so at home being both degraded and degrading that you NEED to get back and put up with all kinds of awful just for the huffs of how they made you feel good for a hot minute every now and again.
There is likely a very deeply rooted reason you also NEED to see how much someone else will blame themselves for your own dysfunction, and how much you NEED to blame yourself for theirs (as if you could make someone transform into an out-of-control, hurtful, maniacal, inconsistent, ill-bred, addicted (to substances or any other vice, including laziness), disrespectful adult-child). Why do you default to constant redistribution of responsibility via ludicrous perfectly reasonable excuse making?
^Become So Involved In Your Own Betterment That You Stop Caring: As much as possible, get so involved in being a better, happier, independent person that you just don’t have time to *think* of someone who couldn’t see your obvious value, about what they are saying about you, or about who they are with.
I KNOW how impossible this feels right now, but if you really want your ex- back, you are going to have to do it, or at least fake it until you make it.
Don’t beg, don’t say all those things you NEED to say about how they are your “One And Only” and “The Love Of Your Life” and your “Destiny,” don’t flip out and go out-of-control embarrassing crazy (even if it’s how you feel). They could have had that and they demanded space instead.
Well, give that space to them. Let your silence let them know what they lost. They can’t miss you if you don’t go away and more than anything, to get your ex- to come back you need them to WANT you to come back. How do you get them to want you back? Give them what they *think* they want: go away, no contact-style.
How do you "go away" in a way that also benefits YOU? Make the worst, un-self-aware parts of you go away--permanently. Work on detoxing your own triggers, dysfunction, toxic mindset and adaptations. Learn to self-soothe so you can walk away and be okay: In the meanwhile, do what you wish you were doing with them. Try to feel the way you want to feel with them. They can’t help but feel this energetically. And they WILL come back.
Attention (especially your loving, supportive, committed, consistent energetic attention) is a hot commodity. Don’t contaminate and throw away one of your most valuable offerings with psychotic, draining neediness. "Helpless lunatic" is not a good look.
You may find that the person who takes you back is the person you never realized you wanted more than anyone anyways: the REAL you. The BEST you, the you from before a childhood of trauma caused you to develop unhealthy adaptations in order just to survive emotionally:
The you that you came here to be.
Your ex- may well be toxic, disrespectful, and / or uncaring, but your best chance to "change" them is by setting an example and living a life that makes them feel "weird" and uncomfortable about disrespecting you.
How? When YOU stop being toxic, you start realizing that you are worth something, and THAT VIBE TALKS more than words (that can be mocked and twisted) EVER could.
Without effort, your boundaries start enforcing themselves and toxic people fall out of your life. It’s the natural order of things. Rich people who know how to invest their money just keep getting exponentially richer. This is true of people who make and invest their own healthy emotional-money. You’re too busy loving and investing in yourself to have the time or energy to take what they got. You just don’t NEED it anymore because you HAVE something WORTH having.
Isn’t that a nice thought?
SHOULD I GET BACK WITH MY EX-?
Anyone can hold your hand, have a good time with you, listen to your day, water your plants, watch movies with you, go for a stroll with you. ANYONE (I know it doesn't feel that way, but really).
There is no reason they can’t also be respectful, mature, consistent, accountable, nurturing, caring, supportive, ambitious, open, loyal...
YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL, and furthermore, YOU HAVE TO HAVE IT ALL (all the important things where your values and standards are matched, that is) because over time, your boundaries will enforce themselves in spite of your high b.s. tolerance, low self-esteem, and lack of self-respect. Your True Self will only put up with so many dealbreakers before it makes some executive decisions for you.
The problem with that is that these executive decisions rarely come at a convenient time. They come after you’ve been worn down and might be at your most vulnerable (because that’s when you need rescuing the most and your inhibitions to your Inner Being are the lowest).
Make sure that you can deliver on your standards and values. You can’t expect other people to stick around being held to a higher standard than you hold yourself to.
If you can deliver on being respectful, mature, consistent, accountable, nurturing, caring, supportive, ambitious, open, loyal... you will finally qualify for a like relationship dynamic--and be able to continually qualify for it, day by day.
I am so grateful my ex- gave me chance after chance and took me back time and time again. If they hadn’t, I wouldn’t be alive today.
However, by going no contact with me, they not only let their boundaries protect our future, they let me get the clarity and have the time, space, and motivation to not only admit that I had major issues that needed repair, but to ACT on that knowledge, however slow, bumbling, inept, and full of backsliding and regressing (that always comes with breaking habitual bad habits).
It changed and saved my life in so many ways, including starting this blog and connecting with the most amazing people imaginable.
But I had to SHOW my ex- that I wanted them back. Your ex- has to *show* you too. And believe me, that is worth waiting for.
This is working out for the best for you too. I and your Future Self know it, and we’re rooting for you all the way.
Happier Holidays & All My Love,
P. S. And if they really don’t come back? That Love that made you feel a certain way will absolutely return to you in a better-than-you-could-have-ever-imagined way. And you’ll be ready to receive it.
And the pain of rejection?
Won’t sting nearly so much because you are no longer rejecting YOU.